Remembering the impact of my daily decisions isn’t always easy. Not just a particular decision, but all decisions that I face daily. Am I glorifying God? When words come out of my mouth, am I relying on the Holy Spirit? Am I listening? If I do something that I want to do, am I being selfish and leaving God out of it? Again, is it glorifying His Will?
I really struggle at times. I’m going to be honest, building my relationship with Jesus has been somewhat exhausting. It’s nothing He is doing, it’s all me. The closer I become to Him, and the more I learn His truths and commands, I find myself realizing how pathetic I am. I fail Him daily! I do really great, then BAM! I’ve either said something that is hurtful to someone, or I’ve hurt someone’s feelings in some way. I’m doing my best, yet I am not.
This morning as I laid in bed before deciding to get up, my thoughts began to reminisce on a recent event I attended. I left hurt, although it was silent. The hurt didn’t fester, it didn’t depress me, and it didn’t change any relationships. However, I left hurt because I was so confused. A lot happened that evening that I was incredible thankful for, yet there was a hurting emptiness inside my heart. Have I done something? Have I said anything rude? Did I have a hateful look on my face? That one definitely could be it because I have “one of those faces”. I love so many people that God has placed in my life, yet sometimes I don’t feel the love back. What am I doing wrong, Lord?
As I laid there in my pity-puddle, I began praying for answers. I asked for self-awareness, and clarity. I asked for wisdom and discernment. I asked for the fuzziness in my head to subside.
I fell asleep…and 2 hours later – “Kori, you’re not doing anything wrong.”
Satan. Putting negative thoughts in my head again. Making me feel insecure, unworthy, unloved, misinterpreted, lonely. I wasted 2 hours before I fell asleep going through scenarios and past situations to try and understand what I had said, or done. Then, praying, I fall asleep. And 2 hours later, God answered…”Kori, you’re not doing anything wrong.”
Writing this blog this morning, there are several things I know and realize: 1) God is good. 2) If I’m going to lay in bed thinking about negative things, pray instead. 3) I am not perfect – I never will be, and God loves me anyway. 4) I am covered in His grace. 5) The devil kills – not murder, but kills joy, peace, happiness, positivity, hope, relationships, security… He kills the fruits of the spirit. 6) I am doing my best because I have Jesus Christ!
I have Jesus Christ!!! Hallelujah! Whether my face looks a certain way, or I️ say something unawarely rude, or I do something unintended – I have Jesus! I will mess up, I will fall short, and I will continue to be exhausted. But I have Jesus! His words will continue to shape me and mold me. His words will continue to educate me and strengthen me. I MUST hold on to them and never let them go, because once I do, the devil is there; waiting. I must be unshakable! I must allow God to shape my identity and NOT rely on myself to figure it out, or make my own. My identity is in HIM!
I HAVE JESUS!!!
For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority. Colossians 2:9-10
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. 1 John 3:1-2