I have a desire. A desire that most would frown upon and question. A desire that isn’t “normal”, and one that some would consider odd. I’ve spent some time thinking about it, wondering why I have felt so overpowered by this feeling, at times. I haven’t talked to anyone about it, in fear of being judged. But, I now understand why I feel this way. I now understand that, even though it is not “normal”, I have been able to find some comforting biblical truths to help me understand why I desire it. And now, I’m finally ok with talking about it.
It is the desire for death.
No, I’m not suicidal. I’m not planning any harm to myself. I’m not terminally ill, depressed, or insane. The only illness I have is sin. But this desire is getting more intense and real. And it didn’t start until last year, the year my father passed away.
I am about to share a very real and personal story with you. And I’m praying that the timing of this post will make some of you think about some very real and important decisions you need to make; we all have them. Few have dealt with them, even though the choice is screaming and begging to be handled.
Are you ready for death?
It’s a dark subject. Right? Well, that’s what we’ve been taught, anyway. Dark, cold, silent, and an very eerie and uncomfortable peace. Death is final. There is no going forward. The end has happened. No longer can we speak, hear, feel, walk, see. The bucket has been kicked.
But I want to give you a different perspective of death. A perspective that I hope will bring you hope, true peace, and a joyful anticipation of the inevitable. Death will come, and sooner to some, than others. It will come, and take you with it. There is no compromising. No kicking and screaming, at that point. Death is on its way…accept it.
As I mentioned, this desire of mine began last year, after a visit to see my father in the nursing home. He didn’t know me, and he didn’t speak. At one point during our (one-sided) conversation, I truly believe he finally recognized me. He still didn’t say anything, but his eyes showed changes. The frown on his face changed into a welcomed curiosity. I had peace in my heart, at that point. I want to believe that I am right – that he recognized a familiarity of the person who was talking to him. A peaceful, loving, and joyful familiarity.
I love my life. I love my husband, my children, my family and friends. I love sharing the work only Jesus could do in and through me. I love sharing His Word, and feeling the passion and fire that burns in me each day. I love my dogs, and the things that make my life easier. I love watching the sun rise and set. I love learning about God’s creation, and being in awe of His power and imagination. I love watching thunderstorms build, lightening, and hearing the roar of thunder. I love snow, the mountains, and the way the sun light glistens on the snow. It looks like diamond dust! I love watching birds. They go throughout their day on autopilot. I love watching the fluidity of water, and the way it crashes on sand and rocks. I love the smell of rain and fresh cut grass. And oddly, I love the smell of cattle. I love the needing and trusting eyes of my dog, Phoebe. So much love that I have in and around my daily life. So why would I desire death, when life seems so incredible?
There is a longing in me. A thirst and hunger that I cannot satisfy. And that thirst and hunger is the fullness I will receive at death. A fullness in Christ. No more sin! No more pain. No more reading and hearing stories of murder and molestation. No more fear and worry. No more internet. No more needing grace and mercy, no more endlessly trying to get it right. No more bad thoughts, judgments, and past regrets. No more charity and missions. No more money! No more things! No more death! As Solomon said, “everything is meaningless”.
So, are you ready to let go of the things you love about this life, and instead, put your hope in a love that we cannot comprehend? A love that is faithful, and pure, and holy? An eternal life of constant fulfillment and satisfaction? Real fulfillment, real satisfaction!
That love and life is only in Christ Jesus.
I have a lot of desires. And until the day I walk in the His fullness, and until I am united with my Savior, my Lord and my King, I will be in prayer that my heart will continue to be changed in Christ’s likeness. That my testimonies will only reflect His mercy and His name will be glorified. That His grace will bless others, as it has me. That the gift of His love will give me endurance to continue this race; the race towards death. A race towards what Jesus accomplished on the Cross; victory OVER death!! To LIVE during the race! And on the days I feel overwhelmed and discouraged, I will know in my heart and soul that God is faithful, His love is steadfast, and His mercies are new each morning. And that He is GOOD!
He is my strength, my refuge, and my Rock! He is the Way, the Truth, and the Light! He is LIFE!! Praise Jesus!